If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
