don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
