after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
