SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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