I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
