I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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