I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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