So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
