I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
