Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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