You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
dude. I can hear the air.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
