it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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