dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
