i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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