I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
