hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
