Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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