On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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