My balls are so social today.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
