whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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