One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
