Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize