Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
