I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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