D3 body, D1 cock
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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