How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
