You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
be right there i have to get my cape
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
