My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
