If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
