Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
