not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
