plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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