There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
