I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
