I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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