Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize