I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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