I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
