You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize