You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Farmville is her only friend.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
