Just fell off a train. Bad.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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