Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize