No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
