eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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