I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
