I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
