I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
