Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
