i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
