I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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