I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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