2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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