Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
