I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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