I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
