Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
