it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
