Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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