yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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