More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my shit smells like andre
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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