Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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