Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
